To see the previous installments, click on the following links: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5
The sound of the procession carrying the prisoner reverberated in the narrow corridor leading to the courtroom. The echo of Rodrigo's chains grew louder with each step. The air was charged with a mixture of humidity and the pungent scent of wet wood.
As they approached the courtroom, the sounds from outside faded and were replaced by an expectant silence.
The courtroom was located in the honmaru (本丸), a large and austere space dedicated to formal hearings, strategic meetings and important events. Its floor was covered with perfectly laid tatami matting, and on one side was a raised dais where the judge, councillors and high-ranking warriors were seated. The walls were decorated with lacquered panels and a kakejiku (掛け軸) displaying the emblem of the Date clan.
The emblem of the Date clan reflected the values of its power and was known as the "Take-ni-suzume" (竹に雀), meaning ‘sparrows among bamboo’, where bamboo branches intersect with small sparrows perched or in flight.
Rodrigo is led to the centre of the courtroom, where he kneels on a black cushion in front of the court. His hands, still bound, rested on his thighs and his future hung in the balance...
To be continued
Header Image:
Date clan emblem. Source: Wikipedia
I don’t see any grammatical errors in this installment. However, I think this scene could benefit from having more description to show that this is a tense moment for Rodrigo. Your text is heavy on defining and describing the courtroom and the emblem but de-emphasizes how Rodrigo feels and reacts.
If you aren’t familiar with the ‘show, don’t tell’ writing technique, your writing will engage the reader more if you incorporate sensory language (the five senses), strong verbs, and the active voice. Here, you’re telling readers many things, which leaves them to imagine what “the sound of the procession” is, for instance. Do chains clink? Do Rodrigo’s chains drag against the floor to show that he is reluctant to enter the courtroom? Show the reader how Rodrigo is reacting. Is he sweaty because the humid air is clinging to his skin? Are beads of sweat rolling down his face? Bound hands trembling? Did he willingly kneel on the mat, or was he forced to do it? In short, paint a picture of Rodrigo during this tense moment.
These are just a few suggestions. There are many online resources to learn more about ‘show, don’t tell,” but here’s a YouTube video I particularly like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-83QrAAbnQY.
I'm always amazed by your research. You are not Japanese, but I can imagine the scenes. Fantastic!!!
Hola, @druida. Escribir ficción histórica en tu propio idioma ya es todo un reto, pero hacerlo en inglés es sin duda una hazaña. La ficción histórica es un Miura con el que pocos se atreven, y tú, además, te lanzas a porta gayola y coges al toro por los cuernos con valentía y estilo. Eres un grande, Maestro. Mucha salud y a por la puerta grande.
@SEQ77 So true! This is why Hemingway is so delicious to read. He was the master of SDT)))
Well-written and a nice sense of drama.
@druida , as I finished watching the video, a new horizon of literary experiences appeared on the horizon. From that moment on, nothing was the same. Thank you very much, @SEQ77 and Uly ( @CocoPop ).
Me han echado piropos pero como el tuyo @Coral , pocos. Muchas gracias. Voy construyendo mi "lego" poco a poco, como un microensayo de violín; lo dejo, vuelvo, lo retomo...En un eterno bucle...y así viajo a tierras extrañas y pasadas...De nuevo, muchas gracias, Coral.
Yes, Yumi @yumiyumayume , my character is a Spaniard who has converted to Japanese, and so I have to find out what it was like in 17th century Japan. I imagine Rodrigo is as surprised as I am by what he sees and perceives. Thank you very much.
Hi, T Newfields ( @T-Newfields ). I think something has changed in the way I write since we met at lang-8. Thank you very much.