Hi everyone! I'm preparing for the C1 Cambridge exam and practicing writing. I would like you to assess this post, please. The exercise is to write a letter in 220-260 words;
"You are a university student and you see an advert for teaching assistants with good sports or craft skills at an international summer camp. You decide to apply for one of the roles and write to the Human Resources Manager at the company, explaining what your skills are and why you would be suitable, what kind of work you would like to do and why the company should consider your application"
This is what I've written. I'd appreciate your feedback and corrections. Thank you :) (IT'S PURELY FICTIONAL).
"
Dear Human Resources Manager,
The aim of this letter is to apply for the job vacancy as a teaching assistant in the upcoming summer camp.
Firstly, I would like to introduce myself; my name is Alejandro Sánchez, currently studying a bachelor’s degree in Sports Science. As part of my previous experience, I have been coaching a junior football local team for the last three years. In addition, I am preparing for the official football coach accreditation so that, in the near future, I can be the headcoach of a professional team.
On the other hand, I consider that my sports skills and soft skills fit perfectly with the values of the company. What I consider that define my the most is my willingness to lead groups as well as high sense teamwork and responsability.
As I could see in your website, in the last editions, this summer camp organised different team sports. I would be very grateful to be the coach of one of those team and it would be a pleasure teaching my knowledge to the kids who join the camp this year.
I would really appreciate you to consider my application. Although I might not be the person with the best resume and background, I am genuinely willing to work with your company and keep learning growing personally and professionally.
Please, do not hesitate to contact me should you require further information.
Yours faithfully,
Alejandro.
"
Hi everyone! Thank you all for your feedback, I appreciate your comments. @SEQ77 @Adam123 @T-Newfields
@SEQ77, thank you for taking the time to type all those comments. I'd like to ask you if I could consider most of your corrections as recommendations/better and more natural ways to write things, instead of pure rectifications because what I wrote was actually wrong :)
@alex_melli_, for the most part, you didn't have many grammatical errors. I often have the same question when my posts in Spanish are marked up and "corrected," especially when I know they are grammatically correct. Usually I find that the corrections are made because, to the native speaker, what I wrote didn't sound natural. I think those who correct posts should indicate why the correction is being made. This explanation would help authors improve their writing. I've seen editors use "better" when they're suggesting a change. I think that's something I'll incorporate when I correct posts in the future, or will indicate "more natural," or something similar. The author then would not be left scratching his head wondering why the correction was made.
Please consider my corrections to be recommendations so that what you wrote sounded more natural and also to remove wordiness. I would be happy to point out wording that sounds unnatural, if you'd like.