Good evening, everyone! How’s everyone doing tonight?

So, let’s talk about the joy that is social media. Instagram, specifically. It’s like everyone’s personal highlight reel. “Look at me! I’m on a yacht!” Meanwhile, I’m at home trying to make microwave popcorn without burning it. My highlight week would be like, “Look at me, I successfully did laundry without mixing the colors and whites!”

And have you noticed those fitness influencers? They’re always like, “Just finished my 5 am workout, feeling great!” Yeah, at 5 am, I’m just trying to figure out how to silence my alarm without opening my eyes, If I ever posted a workout video, it’d be titled, “How to Not Die While Pretending to Exercise.” I decided to follow one of those online workout routines nevertheless. The instructor was so enthusiastic, “Come on, feel the burn!” Yeah, I felt the burn—of my dignity disintegrating. By the end of it, I was lying on the floor, negotiating with my muscles. “Okay legs, I promise I’ll never make you do this again if you just let me stand up.”

Anyway, ever try cooking one of those Pinterest recipes? The photo looks like it was cooked by Gordon Ramsay himself, and when I make it, it looks like something that crawled out of a swamp. “Pinterest perfect” is just code for “set yourself up for culinary disaster.”

Can we talk about smart home devices for a sec? I got one of those smart speakers, Alexa, and now she thinks she’s in charge. “Alexa, turn off the lights.” And she goes like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” How did I go from being the king of my castle to being bossed around by a talking speaker? And the smart devices… they’re too smart for their own good. I asked Alexa to play some music the other day, and she started lecturing me on the benefits of Amazon Music Unlimited. I’m like, “Please, I just wanted to dance not take a business seminar!”

But you know what really freaks me out? Self-driving cars! We’re supposed to trust these things with our lives, “Hey car, take me to work.” And the car’s like “Recalculating…into the river.” My grandparents used to say, “Back in my day, we had to drive our own cars.” Now it’s like, “I just sit back, relax, and pray to the tech gods.”

Remember dial-up internet? That was when you had to plan your whole day around going online. “Mom, I’m logging in, so no phone calls for the next three hours!” Now, if the Wi-Fi is down for more than five minutes, we act like civilization is crumbling, “No Netflix? What am I supposed to do, talk to my fam?”

Alright folks, remember, life is like social media: mostly filters, a little bit of reality and a whole lot of confusion. Thank you and good night!