Three drunks run into a train station because the train is about to leave, and the station manager tells them, "Come on, run! The train is about to leave!!"

He just manages to help two of them get on the train, leaving the other one on the platform.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't help you get on the train," he says.

And the drunk replies , "They’ll be the ones sorry—they just came to see me off."

A woman wants to buy a lottery ticket, but she's hesitant about which number to choose, so she goes up to the clerk and says, "Look, I want to play the lottery, but to be honest, I don't know how to pick the numbers. Maybe you can help me."

"Sure, of course," says the young man. "So tell me, how many times have you been abroad?"

"Four times," the woman replies.

"Perfect, that's your first number—four," he says. "Now tell me, how many children do you have?"

"Two."

"Okay, that's your second number. And how many books have you read this year?"

"I read five books," she says as the clerk writes it down.

"Now tell me, how many times have you and your husband been... romantic this month?" he asks.

"Hey, that's too personal, don't you think?"

"Well, do you want to win the lottery or not?" he replies.

"Well, well... twice."

"Okay, now that we're comfortable with each other, tell me—how many flings have you had?"

"Excuse me, young man," she says sternly, "I'm not that kind of woman!"

"All right, all right, don't get mad," he says. "That means zero, so there you go—your number is 42520."

The woman likes the number and ends up buying a bunch of tickets. The first thing she does the next day is check the newspaper, and when she sees that the winning number is 42527, she shouts, "That's what I get for being a liar!"