**What do you think of what I wrote below? Do you think it could be used to create a story? Does it sound interesting, boring or too personal?

The character has a lot in common with me but she is a fictional one.

Learning to Say No

"Maybe you're still feeling stuck because he was your first love. Do you think that you may have been too idealistic about your relationship? Or that there might be unresolved issues preventing you from moving on emotionally? Do you feel resentment and anger instead of sadness or regret?", her friend asked her.

She answered; "I don't know why I'm still stuck! I believe if I manage to know why, I will be able to get over it and move on!

Sometimes, I think maybe I loved him but I was trying to deny that! Or maybe it's because I had my first intimate relationship with him and the first time is difficult to forget!

Maybe it's because I feel he took advantage of me and of my naivety! I had zero experience but he had experience. I still blame him for not slowing down even if it was me who rushed. Considering that he knew how different my culture was, he should have been the one who advised me to take our time and to get to know each other before going all the way. He made me think that he was interested and I was so naive to believe him but he wasn't!

Or maybe it's because I'm still depressed. Or maybe because he made me feel bad about my hearing loss when he said I was giving him irrelevant answers! Maybe it's because the relationship ended abruptly! I didn't get a chance to take it in. I still can't understand how fast he changed in one week, how he found out in one week that wasn't working! Why did he pay for the flight and for the transfer and wait for me at the airport?

Maybe I was hoping he would try to check on me after all, to ask Liza whether I was okay or to use his Sri Lankan number to message me and to some extent show that he cared and that I wasn't just another number added to his relationships!

Maybe you're right and I've been too idealistic, not only about my relationship with him but also about my friendship with Dalia. Maybe it's because I expected them to play roles that weren't theirs. I expected too much from them.

Maybe, it's because of the unspoken thoughts and this wasn't only with him. It happened with others as well, but with him, there'll be never a chance to have them said. I talked to Dalia about all the unspoken thoughts I had about her. She got angry at me and said that I should have said them at the time. But I was struggling with talking and speaking my mind out loud. She started justifying everything I told her how disappointed I was about which was about not advising or warning me enough. I wasn't waiting for her to justify. I'm not angry at her anymore or have hidden feelings or thoughts. I just no longer want to keep any thoughts regarding others inside my mind. I want to share and speak up.

On the new year's eve, I was with Petra and some of her German friends. Among the attendees, there was a couple; a German woman and an Egyptian man. After the start of the new year, everyone greeted each other and this man kissed women on the cheeks which is normal in Western culture. He kissed me on my cheeks as well but I didn't like it. I still have trouble saying NO fast and right away. It takes me time to understand whether I'm okay with something or not! I haven't told anybody about it, even Petra. It wouldn't change anything. It's me who needs to change and act fast. It's better to say no rather than go with the flow and end up feeling bad or regretting it later. It's similar to situations that happened with my ex or with others. Everybody blames me for not saying No and speaking my mind because people don't read mind as my ex kept saying. They, however, don't understand how difficult it was and still is. I'm trying to work on that. I just need time and patience."

To be continued