I’m trying to rewire my brain to think that the glass is half full. I’m pushing it to look for reasons to keep going in this cruel world. My nephew and niece are the first, and probably the only ones, that come to my mind. Whenever I see them, my heart leaps.

The moments I spend with them are precious and make me feel useful. They are able to bring me to life. One of these precious moments was the first time I heard my nephew calling me Zeeza. He exclusively gave me this cute nickname or in other words, he made it up when he was just two years old. No one called me Zeeza before and this is one more reason that he’s the apple of my eyes. Now, my niece calls me Zeeza as well which is the icing on the cake.

One day when I was away from Luxor, my sister messaged me that my nephew was dreaming of me and talking during his sleep saying: “We’re coming, Zeeza.” He probably missed me and was dreaming of coming to visit me. And there’s that moment when out of context, my nephew looks at me and says: “Zeeza, I love you!” His eyes shine every time I answer him: “I love you to death.”

I wasn’t home when my niece was born. I’m doing my utmost to catch up with her to the best of my ability. During the time we’ve spent together, we’re getting closer to each other. One day, her parental grandmother was supposed to babysit her but my niece said to her mother: “No, I want (to go to) Zeeza.”

When I think about these touching moments, I feel I’m useful and liked. Then, I feel I want to have my own children one day. However, I kick this thought out of my mind as soon as I remember all the trouble I have in my life and the extra trouble I might get if I ever have children. Anyway, time flies and one day, my chances of becoming a mother will run out willy-nilly.