Long Time No See...
Hello, fellow journalers! It's been a long time since we have seen each other, right? Probably around six months. To be honest, I thought I'd never be here again. But life found a way to bring me back, I missed it here, I hope you are all doing great. I wish you the best Christmas ever.
What is Coming in This Post
Well, so many things have happened in these past months, right? I've changed a lot especially after I experienced one of the biggest losses of my life so far. I want to be honest with you and explain superficially what happened. You may be asking why I'd want to do that. I don't know if you have ever gone through a moment in your life where you're carrying so much inside of your heart that you can't keep it locked in anymore. And you know no physical person who can truly understand this. You look around and you don't find anyone who you know is going to truly understand it for you to open up to. And you used to have someone like that, but they are nowhere to be found anymore. Where so much is falling apart not so much on the outside, but kinda a lot deep down. Well, so much more is happening, good and bad, but I want to focus tonight. But don't think this is going to be a depressive post or something like that I want to just be honest and get some of this out. But as I do that, I want to tell myself everything is going to be ok because it will be.
I Lost a Part of Myself.
Not even two months ago, I lost one of the most special people in my life. It seems like years without her though, in 2019, someone entered my life. Although I've always been a kind person inside, I had too many walls built around me. I didn't want to let anybody in. I was extremely shy and unconfident about everything. I was so "young" in all those aspects, but deep down I wanted to have all this "life" stuff, you know? Go out, have a social life, have people who could be special to me besides my mother and my brother, do those "human" things. I was so closed, she entered my life at this time, though I fell in love with her from the first time I saw her. I was so freaking close to trying anything daring. She herself "forced" her way in. Even though I struggled a lot to express myself, ran away, and was even rude to her because I was afraid, she was always patient. She got in, we became practically a part of each other, we became family. Nobody has ever known me better than her and vice-versa. I personally have never seen a stronger friendship than ours. But I've always loved her in a more than- friends- way. The only girl I've ever liked, I told her, as I already knew she didn't feel the same way. I did this more for myself than for her because I knew I could only heal and get over this event when knowing I'd done my part. I did that for self-love, sometimes, we can never move on while we don't know what could have happened if we'd taken the chance, can we?
As I said, I've liked her since the beginning, so I was already suffering a lot before I told her because I knew she didn't like me back, at least not in the same way. After I got to know from her that she didn't feel the same way, our friendship got even stronger and deeper, believe it or not, no embarrassment. Two to three months later, after trying so hard to find another way, I realized I'd really have to end our friendship. If you got some kind of relationship you believe it's going to last for the rest of your life this is the kind of relationship we assumed we had. And then, I did it. It was horrible for both of us, I didn't just lose someone who I've deeply loved, but a family member. We were so close that we agreed to have a last "normal" day the next day as if nothing was happening, so we could feel each other's presence for the last time. I still remember how I held her hand for so long, how I caressed her right hand.
We haven't seen each other since then. I cut ties with her, I got deeply sad for around one month. I didn't want to do anything, my dreams and projects meant nothing, I didn't want to walk or eat, nothing really mattered. My life didn't make sense anymore. Well, fortunately, I got so much better! Nowadays I'm happy, I'm studying the languages I love and I'm dreaming about the things I want to accomplish again. But you want me to be honest? I still like her. It hasn't changed even a tiny bit, the same love. I only learned to make peace with this feeling. Especially because when I ended our friendship, neither of us was mad at each other or anything. In fact, we have never been closer when I decided to end everything, I believe this is what hurt me the most at that time. Afterwards, a friend who I considered my brother also left my life. We weren't so connected anymore, and I decided to leave one of the biggest projects I've ever had. However...
That "biggest project" of mine was actually something which I was forcing myself to do unconsciously, and all that pain I went through made me realize that I needed to restart. The fact is that this extreme pain also made me start to study a language that I've been putting off for quite a long time, Korean. As I didn't have any other way to cure that pain at that moment I've started investing on new things. I'm not sad anymore, I'm truly healing, but right now, in this exact moment, she's still on my mind. I'm happy, but she will always be in my thoughts. Even if I get completely and totally over this feeling she will be in my mind, because she wasn't just someone I've liked, she was like a sister I've never had. She was a part of my family, she helped me to change completely who I was and to see that I was valuable, as I will always be, and that I can't ever forget, the way she made me feel, and how positive was the impact she's had in my life, she was one of my pillars.
Well, I still get a little emotional at times because of this, as I am right now. To be honest, though I'm happy nowadays, she was a color of my palette, and this color will always be missing no matter how many collors I get. Though this feeling can cease the fact she was my family will never be erased, nor it should. She's changed me from top to bottom, to a better version of myself. Since she's gone, I feel like a part of myself is missing, but I am happy...
Old things need to be taken out of the entrance of your life so new things can get in. We can only lose what is meant to be lost, and it's good to lose them as soon as possible because the longer they stay, the stronger they get. Because in the end, it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
Thank you for your valuable attention, know that no matter how hard it is, it will be ok. Happiness, light, and good news are coming. This is how the universe works, good news are coming to you.
Wow really well written... Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and honest thoughts with us! I think each time when a lot of things in our lives are changing and when we walk through some trauma it gives us the opportunity to grow. You can use that to your advantage. I always think of it as if i am then like a hot piece of metal that can be forged to something even better.
You cannot imagine how much I love your posts! 💕🐢 I like your mindset and can agree with fairly everything you say!✨ Go little Rock star! ⭐( sorry, this song caught to me🙈)
@Dustin, thank you so much for your valuable attention! Yes, this difficult time is actually shaping me into someone better, so I'm happy. I wish you the best.
@TORTUGUITA_ninjita, Thaaank you very much for this wonderful comment! I'll check song out btw, once more, thank you for reading it, it meant a lot me.
@Nori 🥰🥰🥰
@Nori, I can't agree with Dustin. It was a very interesting post and you obviously have a very good command of English, but the writing left a lot to be desired — and in some places the grammar and usage, too. Please see my corrections, implement them if you want a clean post, and feel free to ask if you need me to explain anything. Good work! Keep writing!
Another tip: If you still feel this way, I would change the title to I've Lost...
@Cocopop Thank you for your attention! It means a lot to me. I will definitely change much stuff, not all of them. As I'm writing more for expressing my feelings than to improve my writing itself, it's always been this way. Thank you so much for your corrections once again :)
@CocoPop: Wow! You found so many things... I am really impressed and it reminds me on the nescessity to also work on my english going forward. You really have some editing skills there! Thanks mate :).
Hi Dustin, I'm one of the editors in chief at an international publishing house, so it's kind of in my blood. Whenever I start reading something, I automatically go into editing mode, which is why I love Journaly! Unfortunately, I'm finding, as in this case, that some authors aren't looking for correction, which kind of defeats the purpose of Journaly. I wish I'd known that before I started proofing it))
@CocoPop: That makes sense. I guess it has become an automatism for you to see errors. I have developed the same for processes and improvement potential, since this is one part of my daily work. Oh well i guess it can be both :-). Writing about things that move us and later discuss the content with others on this platform, while at the same time using the correction to improve in your target language. :-)
Hi - I found your post very helpful in understanding how other people deal with the pain of unrequited love. It is an extremely painful feeling.
It is hard when you want a friend to like you in a different way than they do. It makes you feel like you have two choices: be honest or pretend you don’t feel a certain way.
It was extremely interesting to me to read about the way you broke up the friendship. Friendships are love relationships in a different way than romantic relationships, however they are still relationships, and when they are intense they influence you for your entire life.
In my opinion most friend relationships are not intense enough to cause grief. Intense relationships are rare and since so few people have them as friends (most people have them as lovers) I think that it is rare to talk about what happens when friends, who never crossed the line sexually, break up because of romantic tension. (Originally I wrote “sexual tension” but since you never mentioned sex, just the desire for “something more,” I will relabel it as “romantic” tension - though romantic seems a bit too superficial a word - but I can’t think of a better word at the moment.) I think it is very sad, because this person helped you grow and be more of yourself.
I think it is sad that we are only allowed one person in our lives at a time that can be “intense.” In my opinion, romantic tension is an exciting thing, and might be an inspiring thing if we sublimate it, but it certainly is a confusing thing for many of us, while at the same time it is a destructive thing when it results in what happened here - that you felt you had no choice but to end the friendship.
Anyway, I certainly was fascinated by your experience because it was very educational to me - most people aren’t as honest and considerate as you, and I felt like I was understanding all the components of a very confusing thing, like a math problem that nobody understands but that someone finally explains very clearly.
@Nemvagog, wow, you really paid close attention to what I wrote, thank you! Yes, but well, that's how life works, isn't it? We can't let it be a reason to become bitter, I've learned a lot through the pain. It taught me I didn't need her to be fully happy or anything.