I'm not able to have a conversation...maybe also in my native language...maybe I lack communication skills...Sorry, I'm just venting...I don't really believe what I'm writing...but every time I try to speak with someone in English I feel stupid, I feel like I was not heard, not understood...Eventually I convinced myself to sign in at one of the numerous sites for speaking practice, I booked the lesson, I tried to say something during the lesson, and I ended up frustrated because I could say only a 1% of what I thought I'd have told to my teacher...It's so easy for me to write down some sentences ...I have a psycological problem, and also a vocal problem, because I can't use my voice correctly. I'm the classic person who prefers to communicate through messages, also in my language, also with people I'm at ease with. I have a similar comunication problem at work. Let me first say that this job is not the kind of job I was born to perform, nevertheless I've become good at it (with practice and consistency!!!!) because of my need. I work in a factory where the chaos reigns: because it's badly managed, because most of the tasks are performed handly, because we don't have enough space (we have to move bulky objects every now and then because we don't have room), people often resign because of the tough environment (cold, moisture, bad and prolonged postures), people who stay (for lack of alternatives) are exausted and always under unbearable pressure. In the middle of that immagine arrogant people, first of them the head of department who screams all day, and the loud noise of the machinery. Communication is a critical point, as we have often to change the kind of production and often to change the task (they turn over the staff for organizational necessities). The point is that: if you have to communicate with others you have to scream, and, as I'm not external-oriented/dominant/powerful (referred to my personality and to my voice) I often got unheard. Anyway at work I have other ways to promote myself, I work hard and speak less, and I feel appreciated for that. Maybe I've always been a quiet person in public, but my reaction to life events somehow silenced me even more, I've lost power, I crave for tranquility, I don't want to be involved in the society game so deeply...I'm old but I have to fight, because I want to get a better job. This is my ultimate goal, that's why I restarted with English learning, but I can't demonstrate nothing if I can't speak. I've been giving too much importance to the "fluency goal" ...I think that's the reason why I didn't succed...It was the same in my life with other endeavours, I couldn't be able to take life as a game, I've always been too serious, and this has a lot to do with the way I grew up.

I already know your comments and advices: try again and again (I will do that!!!), be consistent, let your life to flow naturally, don't overthink and overcontrol, don't get frustrated after the first attempt (conversation on line).

Thanks for reading.