I'll tell you the most obvious mistakes, but I'm not 100% sure about the correct versions, so I'm listing it here, not in the text. I hope some more advanced speaker will correct you better ;)

1. I think you must put 很 before 多 your first and seveth sentence.
2. 你少年吗？- I think this one lacks 是. 3.我不。-> 我没有 4.第一冰块 -> 第一个是冰块 OR 一, 冰块.
3. 如果我不。- it doesn't make sense, why did you put 如果? What word is translated into 如果? Instead of this part, you can write:，但我不喜欢.
4. 第二鸡块 - the same as the point number 4. 7.我不知道如果 -> 我不知道是否 (the rest of the sentence is mistaken too, but I'm very unsure about correcting it).
5. That's all from me. I hope I didn't write too much tosh! Good luck with your 中文 ^_^ I'm also very sorry that nobody corrected your first two articles :( Every day I believe less and less in this community, to be honest. It seems to be too small.

Wow! Thank you so much for your help!! :) Glad to receive someone's comment. Mmm @musialmi were there more people before?

@Poluo_the_rarest_flower I'm terribly sorry that I'm the only one who has helped you here, it's such a shame. Yes, there actually were more people when Journaly was first launched in the beta phase, in the beginning of the year. I know there WILL be more people in the future here, but for now the community is smaller each month :/