— Why would I put all the pieces in place and made sure the white square is on the right if I did't want to?

— Because you're a neat freak, and that makes me sick. Not to mention you put the white queen on a dark square.

— Aw, that was just a minor beginner's mistake. It's not a big deal.

— It actually is. Put the queen on her color and listen. First golden rule: control the center of the board. That will give you more freedom.

— Ok. Freedom is my middle name.

— Yeah, sure. Second rule: don’t leave your pieces stuck in their place. Move the knights and bishops first, and protect your king by castling early. That will give you more room to attack.

— I don't want to attack. I think the board looks better with all the pieces just going around.

— What? You have to! That's what chess is all about!

— You said I have freedom, so mean what you said. There's another rule left. Spit it out quickly and let's play.

— The third rule is "Don't go all crazy trying to take my pieces." But since you don't plan to attack, it doest't really apply here.

— It doesn’t apply to both of us, or just me?

— I’m afraid it’s just you.

— Well, then you can take my king if you want. I prefer keeping the queen safe.