It’s been a year since I wrote you my first letter and over a year since we parted ways without even saying a last goodbye. Over a year ago, our story came to an end without sitting together and talking about it for the last time.

I believe you might be surprised by how long it had taken me to write this letter and come to a closure. As I said before, I take time and I don’t mind it. I would encourage this slow part of me and give it a tap on the shoulder. As for the impulsive part that rushes things without forethought or freezes at some situations, it is what I need to work on. Since I left Sri Lanka, I’ve learned all that and more. I’m also unlearning a lot of mistaken ideas. In other words, I’m getting mature.

I came to accept that loss is part of our journey in this life. And loss doesn’t solely happen due to death. Sometimes, we lose people because we weren’t meant to be with them. We lose them when our paths drastically fork. I come to terms that some unresolved issues and unanswered questions will remain in my life. However, I don’t want to waste my time waiting to get them answered or resolved.

I must admit that you were right when you said I didn’t know how relationships work simply because I’ve never been in a relationship before being with you. I didn’t know how to make it work either. I was willing to learn and I’ve been learning since then.

Nevertheless, deep inside, I wish I had learned all of that gently without being hurt. A friend nicely summed it up, saying,

“The break-up pushed you to learn a lot, but that’s because you had to navigate a tough situation on your own. Imagine if you were in a supportive relationship where your depression and hearing loss were acknowledged and understood, you would probably have grown and learned just as much but in a much healthier and positive way. This whole experience wasn’t a favor from him, it was a challenge you overcame.”

Previously, I didn’t know what to do or not to do in some situations in my life. I needed someone to take me in hand and to be there while I was healing. During most of my healing journey, I learned on my own, but I was lucky I have met with many wonderful people who steered me indirectly to find my lost self, who helped me look on the bright side of my life and who didn’t hesitate to make accommodations to help me hear them better. People who didn't cure or fix me by themselves, but they were there for me. They were patient enough to allow me the time I needed to heal. 

And yes, I had trouble communicating with you, but not with all males generally. Maybe at some point, my hearing loss played a role. Nonetheless, it was mainly also because of lack of trust and assurance in-between. Accordingly, I wasn’t able to get things off my chest instantly. I never felt confident enough with you to share my thoughts and problems. I feared your judgement and I had a valid reason for it.

When I think about the breakup, I realize what upsetted me was when and how it happened more than the breakup itself. It reminds me of a quote that says,

“I will never forget who gave me a hard time when I was already having a hard time.”

I had a difficult time before traveling to Sri Lanka and the breakup added one more wound to the deeper ones I had and made them more visible. The scars of your wound will be there and forgetting might not be attainable but I know forgiveness is possible. And I’m trying my best to forgive you.

From time to time, you come to me and I think of our time together. Still a part of me hoped all that was a dream and I would wake up to find you around. However, gently, I remind myself that it’s a past, a memory, a story that had a shining, glowing start but dramatically ended dimmed. This part has to let go of you. I don’t want this story to consume more of me. Time and social interactions will gradually heal it.

Now, it’s time to turn over this page and move on. I had struggled a lot and I’m still confused with some aspects of my story with you. It was as though my life rolled and landed upside down. I’m trying to figure out how to get it back on the rails. I keep stumbling, but I have to rise and brush myself off from all the delusional thoughts stuck into my mind.

Day after day, I understand more about myself and am gaining confidence. I also realized that I wouldn’t have come this long way if you hadn't broken up with me in this harsh way. I learned a great deal and I will keep learning. Now, I’m more aware than ever that everyone is different and I’m different and unique. I don’t have to bend over my backwards to catch up with others. Those who want to keep in touch with me have to accept and respect me how I am. People who love and appreciate me will also help me to be a better version of myself, the version that I aspire to and not the version they expect me to be.

I’m enjoying the new way of my life and discovering a lot about people as well as me. I know I have a lot of empathy and I care about what’s going on in this world and I love to volunteer and help out. Consequently, I’d like to stay in contact with people who share the same values and principles as me. If I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't take a stance (or at least try to be informed on) the horrors going on in Palestine or elsewhere while their own country is complicit in it, then we're not in alignment. The same applies to other disasters worldwide. And I will not compromise for people who aren’t willing to compromise in return.

Part of this new life is that I’d rather occupy my mind and soul with things that develop and enrich me and thinking of you shouldn’t come into it anymore.

It’s why I’m saying to you; goodbye.

I wish you all the best!

ZZ