Hi! Just for the record, I'm not a polyglot or anything, I'm a dog. I'm home alone and bored out of my mind. My owner is at work and left her laptop open. I'm browsing through her stuff right now. She won't get home until this afternoon, so I have plenty of time.

When she gets home, she’ll say she's exhausted, her feet hurt…blah, blah, blah — a bunch of lame excuses not to walk me . She expects me to make a beeline for her, but I either play dumb or pretend to be asleep.

When we go out on the street, she walks so slowly that I sometimes pee myself before I get to my favorite tree. My best friend pees there too. His name is Thor and we are buddies. He says I'm lucky because I'm the only pet in the house, while the family he lives with also has two cats and six kids who are always monkeying around and pulling his ears. But no matter how he spins it — my life sucks.

When my owner takes me for a walk, or rather, when I take her for a walk, it's only for a very short time, and I'm always left wanting to run and sniff everything. Not to brag, but I'm really good at sniffing!

Why she got me out of the dog pound is something I haven't figured out yet. She doesn't even bother to pay any attention to me or play fetch with me. And to top it off, I've got a flea on my back driving me crazy. But she won't take it off! She's much more interested in looking at herself in the mirror. Now she's joined a gym, but looks flabbier than ever.

The worst thing is that she hasn’t even given me a name — she calls me Dog, but I don’t care. I call her Chucky, like that ugly doll from the horror movie.