God, today has been a nightmare.
While working, my mind started an endless cycle of negative thoughts, it's a combination of overthinking with feeling completely worthless. My mind keeps focusing on my weaknesses, and my defects, even though they're small, and completely disregards my qualities. In this headspace, I feel weak, immature, fearful, suicidal, and so on.
The key is: not feeling worthy...
- Not worthy of connection.
- Not worthy of self-respect.
- Not worthy of authenticity.
And because I'm not as authentic as I would like, other peoples' opinions can feed up this devil's voice, because sometimes people say some hurtful things I resonate with, and then my brain uses those hurtful words when I'm in this vulnerable headspace.
On the other hand, I have my positive self-talk to back me up, my angel voice. This voice likes to say:
- You are worthy! There is no requirement for worthiness, you don't need to hustle for it.
- You are driven as hell.
- You've been through worst things before, survived, and got much stronger.
- This suffering will end eventually, stay hard!
- Everybody has things to work on, nobody is perfect.
- Take a breath, you will get through this!
Headline image by othentikisra on Unsplash
I hope you get in a better headspace soon. I have the feeling that we respect ourselves when we are disciplined, and we hate ourselves for failing at that. It's a weird self-reinforcing spiral of feeling either successful or miserable. When I read you, it always reminds me of my early 20s, constantly fighting against myself, fighting video game addictions, procrastination, and a constant, deep hunger for more and for being better. I remember having read somewhere that it would be nice to treat ourselves as if we were our best friend. That sometimes means being harsh (when we are lazy as 🦆) but sometimes it means being understanding and compassionate. It's unfortunate that it's very hard to remember how we ought to be talking to ourselves at all times.
Wow, I really appreciate your compassionate and inspiring message. Well, I'm being coached by a successful entrepreneur, we're reading a book about emotional intelligence, it's called The Gifts of Imperfection. This guy overcame porn addiction and other hellish problems, and because of him and my constant effort, I'm getting stronger, and wiser. I'm not sure when this tough time will be over, but I am sure it will end.