I can't remember a day when I was normal. When did it start? Morning routines in a half-hour not counting bathing. Daily apathy at best occasions and terror at worst.

I don't know why I wash my hands and toothbrush for 5 minutes, otherwise it feels dirty. I try not to touch my cosmetics bottles with bare hands and use a paper towel. I don't start my day without a cup of coffee because otherwise I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to work effectively and my brain will be napping.

I'm tired of smoking but keep doing it because somehow it distracts me. Many smokers say that smoking makes them calmer. That doesn't relate to me, because on the contrary, I feel anxiety, shortness of breath, faint and not very often for other smokers pain in knees. But it distracts me from some destructive thoughts that make me hate myself, so I decided to smoke for some time. I don't think I'll be doing it for a long time because as I already mentioned, it deteriorates my physical state very fast.

Due to my not very strong mental and physical health, I was afraid of changing my life, my stay and my work. But then somebody told me that I work hard anyway and it takes up all my time, so maybe it's time to try something new because I realized that I am a hard worker, regardless of my physical and mental state.

I am not talking about my plans, just realizing that fear can overshadow better scenarios for your life. Sometimes changes and risks help you overcome this destructive feeling.