The other day I asked myself: Why do I feel better right now? And I think it is because I had a thought about life That: I have to be realistic. And this triggered another thought, something that I had to relearn that I learned 10 years ago: I can't be really comfortable in my emotional world, otherwise I will start spiraling. I'll have to actively regulate my emotions, and I think this is just something that is part of me, and will stay part of me. Maybe some people are okay without constantly, actively regulating themselves. Well, that's just not me. Same with taking actions in life. I can't stand still . . . That's just simply not me.

I always end up with this conclusion. If I want to feel happy, I have to work to feel happy. I'm just not a person who is naturally happy. The only time I was happy without active self-regulation was in 2020 when I just did my own thing without attachment, just finished uni, etc. Or after surgery. I just had so little things to do that I was kinda satisfied with my life. But these are moments that can't easily be replicated.

Every time I try to be comfortable in life, it messes me up. And I had to relearn over and over again the same lesson: I can't be comfortable. When I stop actively regulating/focusing, I drift into not okay. I also have to be realistic about other people in my life. People are not able to hold me emotionally. But it's also not their responsibility to hold me emotionally.

The other day I just remembered one of my old teachers in technical school. He told me that I'm incredibly stupid . . . and I had some teachers who yelled at me in elementary school. However, I also have to be realistic about them. They were teachers in East Hungary, with their own struggles, insecurities, probably their dream wasn't to be teachers in these small, unimportant schools, end up the way they ended up, and they probably projected a lot of emotions at us, the students. Maybe certain actions or traits of mine triggered something in these teachers and they were unable to handle these emotions properly. Maybe they didn't even understand what was going on inside them. The point is that probably it was less about me than about them. I'm probably at a point of my life where I'd say I achieved more than these people in the areas that were visible for me. I'd let these memories go.

I've realized that I will never be able to live a full life in Hungary for a certain reason: certain Hungarians will always trigger me so much that I won't be able to integrate into the Hungarian system completely. At the moment it's fine because I mostly float above the culture like expats here. However, once I want to have a family, a house, a car - AKA I have to integrate into the system - this system is going to ruin me. Not necessarily because the system is bad, but because of my own personal insecurities, triggers, and hurts.

I think I have a certain limit to how much I can self-regulate, and I know that certain Hungarian triggers will pass that level

I also have to realize that I'm not an easy person and I have to be realistic what I can do and can't do.