Will I turn into an entirely different person after hitting the gym and jumping on the skincare routine just like every other teen and young adult?
This is the question that has been pounding my head these days. The pressure to stand out among people and to feel good about myself in front of them is running through my mind. This all starts from tiny little everyday moments to the big events of my life. The moments when I make a fuss about the choice of outfits before going out are still a nuisance. The moments when I have to figure out how to tie my shoelaces properly so that they won’t come undone in public take me a lot of time. The moments when I have to stick with the same tote bag everywhere I go don’t excite me anymore. Much as I wish to cultivate a minimalistic lifestyle into my routine, I’m still appealed by the desire to go shopping for fancy stuff to clothe myself in. All these little things might not be of concern or frustration to many people but I keep complaining about it and this feeling doesn’t sit right with me. There is something wrong with me.
Then, I realize that is when my insecurity kicks in.
Every time my self-esteem knocks on the door, my insecurity holds me back.
It’s been around five months that I have been going to the gym and trying out decent skincare products for the very first time. I felt unique about myself for the first few months. I was enjoying the process of self-care and anticipating the results so eagerly. Day after day, night after night, that is all I could think about. My mind was fixated on immediate gratification rather than the efforts behind the activities. The problem is that the entire process seems so long and I am losing my patience and enthusiasm. This is the point where I guess, a lot of people give up on developing themselves whether it’s a work-out plan or dieting or joining the book club, etc. When you see how other people have achieved their goals and reaped what they sowed, you project that vision on you that you will become one of those people in the near future too. There is nothing inherently wrong with looking up to your counterparts and dedicating yourself to their steps or guidance. However, it doesn’t mean that we have to raise the bar so high to the point when we are no longer capable of what they have done. I looked at myself thinking that when I first started working out, I would definitely get a ripped body in a short amount of time considering all that work that I put into my workout routine. I am surrounded by a bunch of looking-good and buff guys at the gym so no wonder, all these idealizations about having a good physique affect me on a constant basis. If only my goal were to get in shape and feel good about myself in the first place, it would have been an enjoyable process to this day. But, I took it the wrong way and felt miserable over my body even though I have been doing good enough.
Yes, the result is far more visible than it was five months ago. Yet, confidence is something that I have been trying to muster up for a long time. It’s a never-lasting battle between my insecurity and confidence.
Will I turn into a different person after having been through all this? Maybe, we will see.
