Everyone has some kind of dark side that they don't want to let anybody in. There are intricate layers of emotions that no one will be able to untangle. There are words inside of them, rumbling hard that no one will be able to hear. For what it's worth, it takes a lot of guts and vulnerability to get those feelings off their chest and let the words be heard since many people tend to run away from them as opposed to deal with them. In this article, let me share one of my biggest struggles my whole life as well as reflect on myself. I never enjoyed the way I look in the mirror let alone in selfies or photos. I often look away on purpose whenever I walk past the mirrors leaning against the walls of a boutique or the weirdest thing is that I always avoid my gaze on the vanity mirror whenever I have my hair cut, sitting on the barber chair. Then, I get off the seat, pay for the service, and walk away from the shop as fast as I can without even thinking about checking my new haircut whether I like it or not in the mirror. So, as you can see, I'm really that self-conscious about myself.
For the past few days, my insecurity was getting out of hand and I felt its tight grasp over my body. The biggest dose of my insecurity partly stems from the daily struggle of conversations with my family, relatives, and acquaintances - most of the talks center around the way I look: how thin I've gotten, how unfashionable and poorly dressed I am, and how antisocial I have become. The amount of self-loathing grew to an unhealthy extent that I always feel reluctant to show up to the outside world and fear what if I get rejected or deceived in the eyes of people. Looking back, when I was in middle school, I used to get constantly bullied by a bunch of boys for being quiet, looking effeminate, and not showing interest in any sports. Most of the time, it came as a verbal insult but every time I entered the classroom, their words destroyed my high spirits for studying, spending time with my friends, and enjoying my own space the entire day. The fear of being ridiculed in front of other students, especially my friends drove me to the edge of anxiety. There were days I desperately wished that those bully boys were absent from school so that I would have peace of mind for a day. Ever since that moment in middle school, it gradually undermined the level of my confidence and made me succumb to social anxiety. Luckily, I had a handful of friends and classmates whom I could count on whenever I felt alienated from school events or other extracurricular activities back then.
It's all very well for people to say that they want me to change for my own benefit and that's why it should be taken as a sincere reminder of my look, behavior, and appearance, not as a harsh remark. Yet, little do they know that words can speak to volume until it puts a strain on one's life and gets one traumatized. Do you think that they will stop being judgemental and coming down on me if I start hitting the gym, put on more weight, and have an outgoing life? I suppose not because those people are driven by the urge to nitpick all the flaws among the best parts. They will still be searching for a black stain on the white sheet to make a comment. To be clear, there is nobody to blame here and I am not pinning my insecurity problems on people in general. Having said that, I don't beat myself up for not coming up to the standards that people consider as smart, gregarious, and sophisticated. Plus, I don't feel miserable if I turn out to be a black sheep in the world of social butterflies. That's just the way I am and there's absolutely nothing wrong with myself. As cliche as it may sound, I guess those conversations that are merely entrenched in objective views of people, will never come to an end even if I could be pretty, wealthy, and have an amazing career. The best way to tune out the sounds of criticism is simply, to define my true self and values without letting people define me. Ignorance is not much of help in this case since the more I try to shy away from my insecurity, the bigger problems it will bottle up in the long run. Instead, there are only two options left for me - confront the criticism by making a triumphant change or redefine my perceptions of receiving criticism. As I said earlier, I'd rather embrace how to be comfortable in my own skin and have a different outlook on the world accompanying its harsh reality.
To sum up my self-hatred, it seems like a fog in the back of my head that is obscuring a true vision of myself which is also acceptance of certain things that I can't control. In other words, all these negative feelings about myself are only happening inside my head that I can't seem to dispel. I often end up tapping into the inner critic that only keeps backfiring my insecurity rather than the inner coach that will guide me through this cycle of hatred. If all else fails, I still have the faith in myself that I can somehow manage to thrive and aim for a badge of honor in this fault-finding culture. This is my motivation for the time being and it will probably change as I get older.
P.S. The image of this writing belongs to the rightful owner:
