This post is kind of personal to me.

Expressing emotions is one of those things that have been haunting me for a very long time.

I believe it have already started in my early childhood, when I was actively trained to suppress my emotions. My role in the family probably played a huge role as well, since I was the youngest kid in the family, and got to experience a lot of shit from my siblings and parents.

But this post is not about that.

It seems like I have never had a good idea about how to cope with my emotions. Even thinking or speaking about my feelings was - and still is to a certain extent - foreign to me, due to the fact that It has never been a part of my family and my closest friends even. No one talked or felt like it was important to talk about them.

Despite all of this, feelings do exist and have a huge importance to me.

When someone asks me how do I feel, my first reaction quite often is that I don't know what to say, I just don't trust my feelings and tend to write them off. As if feelings belong only to those who are overly dramatic or weak (I don't want to be a pussy basically).

Of course, I know that this isn't true, but the fact that the connection between me and my feelings have been broken is responsible for my inability to acknowledge my own emotions now and have a healthy relationships with them.

Or in other words, I struggle to express my emotions properly.

It leads us to the dream I had last night which was both eye-opening and thought-provoking.

The dream took place in a huge crowded house. I met a man there who suggested me to play a rather strange game which I would call poke me right in the eye. I realized immediately that I don't want to participate in this and therefore I politely refused.

This triggered a huge outburst of violence in him which led him beating me up badly such that I was laying on the ground without being able to move. After a while I've noticed my arms being broken. I could even see my broken elbows and bones sticking out. Furthermore my brain was damaged such as I could feel a part of it running out of my ears. I know, it probably sounds silly now, but it felt really real in the dream. As if that wasn't enough, I've got run over by a couple of cars.

There was no one who cared about me, I was just laying there alone.

In the second part of the dream I found myself in the same crowded house again. I was recovered by that time, but traumatized of the previous incident nevertheless, even though I felt better. The fear of being beaten up again was present in me and the house itself. Despite of people acting normally, I could feel the fear creeping among them.

The most important part is the ending which is coming now.

So, I don't remember the exact reason why, but the man became obsessed again, and when he is obsessed, he can easily cripple or even murder others without any guilt or shame. But that time I felt something was different, something had changed.

I took the initiative and started talking to him.

What do you feel? I asked.

Right after I asked the following: where do you feel it in your body? What kind of thoughts come up when you feel it?

While he was busy answering my questions and reflecting his own feelings I noticed him gradually changing. He went from being a mad white-eyed devil to a person who I couldn't discern from other good-hearted people.

Everyone was shocked and felt a mixture of fear and respect to me, as if I had some kind of superpower, as if they had experienced some kind of miracle.

The man thanked me and I immediately asked him: how often does this happen to you throughout the day? Seventeen times at the least, he replied.

I woke up after ten minutes with what I would call a little enlightenment or realization of something that I have always knew before, but wasn't really aware of nevertheless. As if it stood right in front my nose, but yet was hidden:

Acceptance and full experience of feelings (including the act of description) is exactly what neutralizes and helps to let them go. The opposite is equally true, namely that suppression of emotions, and ignoring the situation associated with it, is what causes emotions to be locked in the unconscious mind.

Such bad habit prevents us from getting over old feelings and behavioral patterns associated with them that are often no longer relevant to us at the present time. In as such way we get stuck in the negative emotional-behavioral loop.

Or like MD PhD Stan Grof once said: The full experience of a negative emotion is the funeral pyre of that emotion.

This time it doesn't feel like a random pseudo-intellectual nonsense. That is rather the lesson I've learned during my dream.

There is nothing magical here, it's just a natural part of human function. Why nobody teaches this type of stuff at school?

Of course, when I read this I get a little bit scared and confused. Like, if I get to express all my of emotions freely, does this mean that I'm gonna attack others every time I get angry?

The fact that I have chosen anger here is no accident. Negative emotions cause the most discomfort and lead to the most problems. It doesn't take much effort to express happiness for example, as positive emotions usually are met with warmth in comparison to anger.

Why do I say this? Well, it has been my experience so far.

During my todler years I have been teached that my emotions don't matter. For instance, if I would get angry others wouldn't take it seriously and would even provoke me on purpose. This made me think that my emotions don't have any basis in reality. In addition to that it got me thinking that it was me who is being always wrong, that it is me that is always the problem.

This is probably the reason why I feel a mixture of fear, blame and shame when I get angry. As if my body anticipates and prepares to be beaten down emotionally. Normally these feelings are followed by thoughts which basically tells me that I am the one who is stupid and wrong. They tell me that my emotions are wrong and I am the one who is unable to judge the situation (conflict) correctly, which in turn means that I simply can't trust my emotions and should give in. On top of that, when I sincerely express my true feelings I cannot bear the pain I get during the conflict which keeps me ruminating days after.

I have developed a behavioral pattern which goes against my well-being and mental health. Sometimes it feels like I have lost the connection with myself which slowly poisons my soul. It leaves me not knowing who I am or what I want and leads to a bunch of other problems which affects other life areas in a negative way.

This is exactly the price I have to pay to live in a world without feelings.

If there are not feelings, there is no me, life joy and meaning. Oppressing one type of emotions leads to oppressing others as well, the same way one bad habit leads another.

In order to fill this gap I, as well as many others, get hooked up in various addictions.

For me it's all about seeking control, comfort and protection which is achieved by being obsessively interessted in diet, weight loss, some random activity (workaholism?) or seeking social approval in the social media. These are the distractions I use to avoid dealing with my own problems. I create my own world where I can achieve things in a way.

It have always been food for my mom and alcohol and cigarettes for my dad.

Whatever it is, the point of this is to restore emotional imbalance by compensating on the other end. But it's already off topic and could be addressed next time.

These are some additional things the dream have forced me to realize:

1. Emotions have a vast significance to ones identity and meaning of life.

Emotions are a crucial part of you. I would go as far as claiming that they account at least for 80 prosent of your identity. If you don't let your feelings flourish it will have a huge negative effect to relationships with yourself and others in the long turn.

This in turn can lead to toxic behavioral patterns like seeking approval from others, being indecisive with your life decisions that keeps you stuck in one place.

For me personally, if I had been more in touch with my feelings, I believe I would probably have been closer to finding out what do I want to do with my own life.

2. Paying a close attention to your feelings and act of describing them is the first and most important step towards solving emotional suppression problem.

Most often the answer tends to lay in the eyes of fear or the things we try to avoid. In other words, it's important to remember to ask yourself: What do I feel? How does it feel in my body? Where is it? What are the thoughts that come now?

These are the questions that aim your attention towards feelings and this is exactly what is needed in order to rebuild connection with them.

3. There is no need to express all of your feelings all of the time or voice them to others if you don't feel for it (no pun intended)

There is a full palette of feelings and ways of expressing them which can range from 0 to 100 in intensity scale. Being able to express emotions in a way that is adequate to a given situation is an art in itself which I should be better at.

I tend to express my negative emotions either on the one or another side of the spectrum, which isn't healthy for me. That means being silent and trying to tolerate something I don't like until I can't hold it anymore.

This leads me to acting out (which happens extremely rarely nowdays) or, even more often, ruminating days after. I can become extremely angry, but yet not being able to express my anger due to the fear of the consequences that come with it (only on the surface level, I guess?).

Then this anger keeps building up and living inside which makes me having conflicts inside my head, like thinking what should I have said or done without taking any action. This can be very exhausting. This ultimately ends in a self-defeating.

Instead of using words and being stuck in your own head during the conflict it is also possible to express your feelings in other ways such as snorting of anger, breathing heavily, spining your head or eyes around, having angry look etc.

The most important thing is to stand up for yourself and take action.

4. Emotions are the sign of power and strength, rather than weakness. Emotional dampening have a huge hidden cost.

I know what you are thinking now. It sounds lame and you may have read this before... But it's actualy true.

When I think about the people who seem to be most convincing and trustworthy, more often than not I find these people to be full of expresion and free.

However, the opposite is also true. Those who tend to talk monotonously and don't show emotions seem to be very boring, and it's unpleasant to be around them. It is more difficult to relate to them, since you don't know what they are feeling or thinking. This is stressful in inself, actually.

Oh shit, does this mean I look boring and stupid to others as well?

I think this is also not a coincidence that I'm being naturally attracted to people who have more emotional freedom than me (as I lack it myself) and those that want to hear me out (as I crave recognition/approval). They seem also to be less judgemental than others.

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There are two examples of how failing to deal with emotions makes my life more difficult:

1. When I used to work at the moving company, I had to work long hours (12 hours+ in some cases). Since I wasn't listening to my emotions, I was underestimating how physically demanding the job was.

Even the thought about having a conversation about raising my salary provoked strong and uncomfortable feelings, even though I was working under poor conditions such as not being paid for working on weekends and overtime in general.

Trying imagining conversation with my boss would make me feel ashamed, as if I haven't deserved a rise in salary, or that even the act of asking is stupid, that I am stupid because I dare to think about asking in the first place.

My own mind fights against me.

2. I tend to experience quite similar feelings in negotiations in general.

When I sell something and the buyer negotiates price with me, I tend to justify his/hers offer in my mind (like trying to find a reason why the offer is good, even though it might not be). Then I think his/hers price proposal is reasonable and fair.

On the other hand, when I buy something and I want to negotiate, I start thinking that if I do it, I will come as impolite or rude. It feels like a bad (like immoral) thing to do, even though people negotiate every single day.

Both situations follow feelings of guilt, craving to please others and self-harm.

This comes partially of the fear of being rejected and feeling inferior to others, as a consequence of a long-term emotional suppression.

This weakens my ability to stand up for my own interests on the emotional level.

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All in all, I think emotions and coping mechanisms related to them is a large and complex topic that brings a great deal of depth with it, as well as it plays a crucial role in all facets of life. Sometimes it feels even like I could write and dig myself into this infinite rabbit hole forever.

However, I think the main message of this post is to remember to ask yourself at least three following questions:

1. What do you feel now?

2. Where is it in your body? Where exactly?

3. What kind of thoughts come with it?

These questions should return you back to the present moment and give a chance to act accordingly to your feelings.